Honor Killings

Honor killing, most often, the murder of a woman or girl by male family members. The killers justify their actions by claiming that the victim has brought dishonor upon the family name or prestige. In patriarchal societies, the activities of girls and women are closely monitored. The maintenance of a woman’s virginity and “sexual purity” are considered to be the responsibility of male relatives—first her father and brothers and then her husband. Victims of honor killings usually are alleged to have engaged in “sexually immoral” actions, ranging from openly conversing with men who are not related to them to having sex outside of marriage (even if they are the victims of rape or sexual assault). However, a woman can be targeted for murder for a variety of other reasons, including refusing to enter into an arranged marriage or seeking a divorce separation—even from an abusive husband. The mere suspicion that a woman has acted in a manner that could damage her family’s name may trigger an attack; these assumptions are generally based on men’s feelings and perceptions rather than on objective truth. Ironically, female relatives often defend the killings and occasionally help set them up.Although such crimes are widely suspected to be underreported, the United Nations Population Fund estimates that as many as 5,000 women are killed annually for reasons of honor. These crimes take place throughout the world and are not limited to one specific religion or faith. However, they have rather significantly and consistently occurred in various parts of the Middle East and South Asia, with nearly half of all honor killings occurring in India and Pakistan.

As controversial as this might be, it’s about time we use our voice to speak out against the injustices women face across the world. This is in no way, shape or form written to tarnish or question “cultural values” in these countries but it is a call to awareness. There are women who reside in the US, the UK and other countries in the world, who are forced at an early marriage to marry someone they do not know. If they go against their parent’s wishes in marrying this person, their life could be taken away for dishonoring or bring shame to the family. In a world where we are constantly fighting for women’s rights, I can’t stress enough just how much we need to fight and advocate for those who can’t speak up for themselves. Again, this is not to question their practice but I do belief that it is unlawful to take the life of young women who are merely trying to create a life for themselves. Honor Killings happen in several parts of the world and to this date, we have not questioned them, we have not spoke out against them and we certainly haven’t educated ourselves enough to realize that there are young women out there who don’t even have the choice to just live. So here’s what we can do in moving forward, we can educate ourselves. We can advocate for them. We can stand with them. Certainly, we may not be affiliated with that religion or cultural group but the fact is,women and girls from those countries and cultures who reside in the US, Canada and the UK are being flown to these countries to forcibly marry someone, live a life of domestic violence and torture and sometimes often murdered for standing up for themselves. And sometimes, they even take their own lives just from being tired of it all. So today, I implore us to take a stand. Get in the know. Post about it as much as you can. Your voice can and will make a difference and to our government, you can help too.Immigration, law enforcement, and religious authorities must all be included in education, prevention, and prosecution efforts in the matter of honor killings.clear government warnings must be issued to Muslim, Sikh, and Hindu immigrants and citizens: Honor killings must be prosecuted in the West, and perpetrators, accomplices, and enablers must all be prosecuted. Participating families should be publicly shamed. Criminals must be deported after they have served their sentences.

Save a life today.

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Leah’s Story

Leah was a young woman who had been insecure for many years. When she was a child, she was sexually molested by her relative and spent most of her teenage years navigating her way through the pain. She shunned the idea of sex because she thought it would leave her feeling that sense of hopelessness again and as if she was some ugly, disgusting creature. Leah went on to date some one who was rather emotionally abusive and manipulative and from that, would spend the next number of years avoiding relationships with guys especially knowing she was afraid of those triggers again.

Two years and some months later, Leah was introduced to Marcus by her friend, Amanda. It was Marcus’ birthday and Amanda assumed her he was one of the good ones. Leah at this point had already grown to be skeptical especially about guys who everybody thought to be good. However, numbers were exhanged and they began texting. That Sunday night, Leah grew weary and fell asleep mid-way through the conversation however the following day, they picked up right where they started. They never went through an awkward texting phase and seemingly clicked after a week or so of texting. That first month they became good friends and would go on to share pain from past relationships and what they were now looking for having learned those lessons. Leah found herself opening up and would go on to be more comfortable as she realized there was something about his aura that stood out. Just like any guy she had met, he clearly had a painful past and she knew a thing or two about him she had picked up based on their encounters a few years back. When Leah couldn’t put her fingers on what made him so soothing to talk to, she went into prayer. It only made sense to seek out God’s will because all that glitters is not gold. After those praying sessions, she would go on to see him face to face after many years but the moment she saw him, she was calmed. Nervous to say the least but she already realized everything she had been thinking about him was right. He wasn’t a prince charming but you could sense he truly cared. His touches never felt strange to her and she never felt out of place with him. That day would go on to change many things for Leah, things she had neither felt before nor gave serious thought to feeling. She lost her virginity to Marcus and she never felt ashamed of that. You could possibly say too soon but she knew it wasn’t an in the moment decision. She knew what she felt and how he made her feel. Safe. He was consistent. He cared. Leah went home and before getting the chance to express to Amanda what happened, she fell asleep but the next few days, Amanda would go on to be very excited for the two people she cared about. Leah and Marcus also found themselves closer and Leah knew then things would change for her. She would need to go on to remain focused on her studies but would also need to accept she had finally done what was unthinkable to her for many years. She knew it wouldn’t be easy and those steps to loving herself and feeling confident would take a while but she had felt safe enough and beautiful enough with Marcus that she started seeing that. She started glowing differently because after these years, she finally gave herself a chance to do it right and different. For everytime she spoke to Marcus, it stayed within her that he was somehow trying to be there for her as well. The times they spent together and talked about the future and their goals, Leah felt as though this could be different. Occasionally misunderstandings happened and they had their fair share of arguments but she also trusted that he could understand her. She knew it would take time and though she felt and questioned if it would last, she wanted it to. He was the type of person she would hope stayed in her life to remind her that there was good out there and that a man could treat her and support her in more ways than her father ever could. They would go on to share even more things and would grow to be more understanding of each other. They had their cozy forms of a date, cuddled up with a movie and food and they had their formal dates where they went to the movies and enjoyed each other’s company. These two began learning a thing or two about compromising and being intentional with each other. However after a fall out, Marcus started expressing he was no good for Leah and she needed to move on and let go. For her, this came as a surprise but Leah also knew you didn’t just allow things to exit your life without fighting for them. Over the past few years, she learned a lot about not giving up because effort was needed to make things work so they worked on it. A relationship that had been new felt like 2 years and though she hated to admit it, she grew to be inlove with him. She grew to enjoy the sound of his voice when they had late night conversations and grew to wanting to see him every chance she could. For her, his hugs made it better and to know that he cared. Marcus would go on to also express his love for her and together these two tried their best to navigate this newness that would ultimately come with difficulties but Leah was already feeling odd. Marcus would seemingly go on with these talks about it being better if she left and she questioned what was going wrong. Yet they lovingly continued and grew until one visit would bring to light what Marcus had been doing with his ex and conversations with other females behind closed doors and in that moment, Leah never knew what to feel. The man she had finally grown to love had been out there doing other things with other women. She felt confused but as she confronted him, knew her questions wouldn’t be answered. It never made sense to her in that moment as tears fell from her eyes and though she was far from weak, she allowed herself to cry infront of him because she was hurt. She had grown to love someone who now… she never knew if he loved her. She would go on to find her insecurities resurfacing and would question why Marcus needed to be doing those things especially with an ex. It wasn’t adding up to her. Amanda was already raging but Leah’s heart froze right there and then. She still knew him as the man she loved and would ultimately want to fight for. She wasn’t sure why. She was almost certain she needed to hate him but she couldn’t. She had spent the months cherishing this love they shared and she grew to be increasingly happy and proud of him. Leah’s heart wanted more than her mind was willing to handle. Her heart never questioned him but her mind did.

*to be continued*

Continuing Daddy Issues

A few months ago, I made a post about women with “daddy issues.” This is barely an updated version but merely a few things I’ve been learning and learnt. So naturally, last night I did my google search about this topic again and prior to a few months ago, the messages were fairly neutral but also a lot better. Now let me categorize this absentee father or deadbeat father if you wish to call it that, in a category of childhood trauma because that’s what it is. The sad thing about this is the emotional trauma we go on to face especially in our adult lives. Also, men can have daddy issues too. That rejection, especially for a girl, by the man who should be your leading male role model in life is one of the hardest things to accept. Even at 25, if not dealt with, harboring this emotional pain can paralyze our social life as well as the relationships we will have with other men. So here I am, at 21, thinking I can get over this. This shouldn’t affect me and well, the moment those triggers come up, the chaos that comes after is mind blowing. Over this past few week, I’ve gotten into several indirect arguments with my dad. His girlfriend also decided to call me. Anyways, I went through the week and here came Saturday, the moment he got home, he found reasons to be upset including a flower plant he claimed died but after really looking at it, it wasn’t dead. In his rage, the glass cup he was drinking his alcohol from, he threw it in the sink and it broke, that was then followed by swearing, slamming doors and cursing us out. And here we are, it’s Sunday afternoon and his way of punishing us is not putting water in the fridge. It’s refusing to buy grocery. Now like I said, I’m 21 and Aah yes, I would love to be out of this house. However, all that hard work on my end, when I get paid, it goes to my tuition which we know isn’t cheap. Truly, it came to thought to leave school for a year so I could move out just to get a sense of peace and then start over. However with just a year left, I’m seeing where this takes me. Now all of this leads to frustration, anger and pain on my mind. It’s the most toxic situation to be in and considering we’ve never had a good relationship, I’ve never actually looked him in the face. So I guess what they don’t mention about “daddy issues” is the fact that we are aware of what the trauma is doing to us. We are trying our very best to maintain healthy relationships with people but it’s not easy. Lately I’ve found myself questioning if I’ll ever be able to be inlove with someone or will someone ever fall inlove with me? And this is because, with all this baggage, someone who doesn’t understand or take the time to will never stay around long enough to see me through the good days and bad days. They think it’s needing too much and then of course, they leave. Then I wonder will I ever find happiness. I mean, yes there are things I am happy about but deep down inside, I’m not happy. There’s so much I need to work through. The thing about being faced with issues like these is finding your self worth and trying to identify with who you are. When a parent is absent to teach you all those fundamental things you need, you tend to not know who you truly are. You tend to have varying emotional responses and defense mechanisms to be okay. Personally, I repress a lot of my emotions but internally, I am anxious and angry.

That absence also makes you very insecure and for each person it varies. For me, when he was around, there was always another woman. His attention was never on me being his daughter but it was geared towards all the other women and their kids so much so that now, I’m insecure of other women. On one side, yes I know they have to be there but on the other, having gone through that so much and knowing how easily my dad could forget me when his other women were around, I feel the same way in present day situations. Now this could sound like rambling and I’d hope I’m not but the aim is to bring awareness to the issue and to make everyone realise the power of understanding and being understood. Often times we react or respond to things in many different ways based on what we’ve been through and because the other person doesn’t understand that, they think we are being too much, need too much or that we’re doing too much. Yes, having daddy issues is not the ideal situation mentally for anyone. We know that. We go through it and it stifles us so we do understand when people don’t get it but I will say I have met girls who face the same situations as I do and they are some of the most genuine and kindhearted people you will ever meet. All it truly takes is to be understanding, patient and to acknowledge the fact that we are trying. It takes time, possibly counseling or other extreme things but it does require each one of us to be patient. The scar, thoughts and burdens are already so heavy and then there’s feeling the need to be perfect because if we aren’t that, then we won’t get the love we deserve. So if you can, aim to be patient with that person. Aim to truly find out what triggers them. Aim to understand why they are the way they are. If you can’t do any of that and you think it’s too much, then it’s best you leave them alone. They are already facing too much.

Dealing with a Breakup

What a title, right? But let’s face it now, it’s not the easiest anything. Somedays you’ll have good days and then you’ll have terrible days. You’ll have days where you’re thinking about what they are doing and who they are with. I was recently watching a YouTube video(recently as in 2 mins ago) and she talked about how mentally draining it was to think about or even see your ex with hickies. The thought of them kissing someone else or in some case having sex with someone else is frustrating especially when you haven’t gotten to that point yet. And in those times, it makes you question your worth as if you’re truly that easy to forget and move on from and let’s face it, that also hurts even more. It’s not a great feeling, I can tell you. So there you are, you’ve been sinking into a hole while they are out living their best life with whomever and you are dying inside well as terrible as this may sound or even shocking, talk to a counselor. College campuses have counselors you can freely talk to, there are online counselors for free and sometimes if you just need to talk, I’m sure a friend will be there to listen. Don’t rush the healing process. Don’t allow yourself to think that because they’ve moved on, you need to as well. No, you can take things at your own pace. And while in the moment, it will hurt, it gets better. Something else the video talked about was seeing who they flirt with on social media or who they are currently dating so try taking a break from your social media accounts. Disable them for a while and spend some time with you. That way, you won’t see anything and you’ll have some peace of mind. And then there’s another tricky thing, your mind. How do you stop yourself from thinking about them or who they are with or what they are doing with that person? Mhm, the truth is you don’t! Unfortunately that’s just it. All you can do is allow those thoughts to progress but don’t allow them to overcome you. Realise and accept that they have moved on and that’s just it. You can’t ignore the thoughts but you can’t let them kill you either. Find ways to let the pain out whether it be through writing, singing, dancing, try something! I know the famous thing people is keep yourself busy and well if you’ve tried that like I have, you’ll realize that at nights, all the pain comes back, the thoughts come back and the wound cuts deeper, so simply allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise at that given time. Accept that throughout this breakup, there will be stages and for most of us, we get stuck at the bitter stage. Don’t stay there. Like I said, get counseling. It might not sound serious to you but unfortunately these things can take a toll on our mental health. They can lead us into depressive episodes and sometimes the only way to heal or feel better is through talk therapy. Take breaks, feel what you feel but don’t let it consume you. Work through the stages. It is okay to admit that you aren’t okay. It is okay to say it still hurts but remember you’re working towards an end goal and that goal could be forgiveness or feeling mentally healthy again but keep that goal in mind. Never lose sight of it and then push through. The healing can sometimes hurt more than the wound because there are so many things you have to deal with and accept. However, rushing the healing process won’t do you any good. Work on your mind. Most importantly, you might question why was it so easy for them to move on, you’ll question if they ever loved you at all, you will question so many things until you drive yourself crazy, don’t. Strong people deal with the pain. It might be hard because you will end up with all of these questions but realize that them moving on has nothing to do with you infact some people have to move on quickly in order to not deal with the pain. Let them do that. If they loved you or not, ultimately that’s something only they can tell you and now may not be the time to know. Focus on yourself and being grounded for a while. It hurts but allow yourself to get to a place where you aren’t bitter and then take it from there. Don’t consume yourself with who they are with, don’t compare yourself. If you find yourself asking if she’s better or if she makes him feel better or who’s sex is better, don’t. And I include sex because this becomes a part of a relationship and if your partner has moved on, chances are you are definitely thinking about who they are having sex with and that will hurt as well. Don’t allow yourself to do all that. It will only hurt even more. Just allow yourself to be present and heal. Surround yourself with people who understand, talk it out, write it out but allow yourself to be grounded in where you are. This, too, shall pass. Forgive yourself also. Sometimes in doing so, you’ll realize that you might have also been a toxic person or that you might have also had issues and with all of that forgive yourself. We’re humans. We all make mistakes and we will all learn at some point in time. Now smile, wipe away your tears and get to healing. There’s work to be done on that heart of yours❤

Dear R

I’ve been accustomed to this now. I say something, you start ignoring me pretending as if I’m not bleeding. So when I said I’d rather bleed in silence than telling anyone, this is why. You always say speak but to who? You? It’s funny how I’m being made to look crazy after all that’s happened. We both started a relationship not just one person. I didn’t do this by myself but Unfortunately I fell in inlove with you by myself. And for those months, we connected, we talked about love, not wanting to be hurt again, being tired of the same nonsense and having to deal with new people again. So I grew inlove. And I thought you loved me too but I guess people can say things. I go through those messages and replay those conversations in my head, realizing people can say many things.

Eventually, all the lies came out. All the other girls and then the stories never started to add up. There were no explanations, just the same plain old excuses over and over again. So help me understand how you callously sit there, insert a knife into someone’s chest, and plunge deeper and deeper into their heart, watching them gasp and pleading with their eyes for you to stop but you were so cold to the world, you couldn’t see what you were doing. For all those messages that hurt, even the ones you’d text while I was around, that has to be the most heartless thing a human could do. And you’d willingly tell them “I miss you,”even your ex, but after a while, where was mine? Where were my calls when I was up at nights crying? And imagine texting someone else to say we’re better when we’re around each other, as in actually having relationship problems with someone you swore to me was just casual sex. So then we go through that phase and I hit rock bottom so many times, I’ve had to cry in the shower so many times but you, you’re okay. You don’t have to deal with this so you’re okay. Then we became “friends” and it was the same thing except now this gave you the freedom to do anything you wanted. Finally! You were free from the crazy girl. And you took that opportunity and even as friends, you lied to me, made excuses and then when push came to shove, you’d ignore me. Now you just treat me like a leper and you say sometimes I just want to be alone but people can communicate that. It would be much easier so that everytime I see my whatsapp messages, my heart doesn’t sink into a hole because I feel like expressing my feelings was something bad. I’ve said countless times that it has to be a new girl and at one point, I was right but you don’t owe me anything and that makes you happy because for the life of you, it shouldn’t matter. But it does, it does when somebody still loves you. It does when they still want to see you. I sound crazy now. But it does. So why am I being treated as if I’m this hard person to deal with? Am I somehow draining your energy now? And isn’t that funny? It’s funny how people forget things. They forget how at one point you meant so much to them, I think. Now many things are becoming assumptions because nothing’s being said. Nothing feels right.

Plot twist

You have been the most trusting person I could ever find. I think our best moment was that very first time I saw you. I was nervous but it was calming and you made tea for me. We’ve spent countless days getting to know each other. We’ve talked about goals and where we want to be or rather who we want to be. Amidst all the bad times, we’ve had great times and a big piece of me still remains in you. I know that now, because at one point, I thought you’d be just that, a person who didn’t have it altogether but our love would survive many things. Sometimes I wonder, what is it surviving now? I miss the movie and food dates. We never had everything we wanted but we had each other. Two young hearts growing in a world of pain and heartbreak. You always seemed so scared to be deeply inlove and I was too because I knew there’d be no risk I wouldn’t take. And this seems shorter than the first one, and its not because you were an awful person but now I’m hurting. Today I’m aching and slightly confused as to why I need to be ignored and treated like this. I’m not perfect but this is…

I create reasons why you can’t talk to me and it ranges from your ex to your new friend to just me being too much and then I realized I can’t anymore. You’re ready to be separate from me and that is the most painful thing I have to do. My soul cries out but… your wish has been granted.

Adieu.

Recovering from Childhood Sexual Trauma

Survivors of childhood sexual abuse may believe that since the abuse happened so long ago it would be better not to rehash the past. They may avoid feelings and memories in order to function in their day-to-day lives. However, the abuse may still be affecting them. Triggers (internal or external reminders of the trauma) may bring up unresolved emotional issues. Some common situations survivors may find themselves in that make them realize they should seek support include:

  • I am reacting unusually to situations differently than before.
  • I am having emotional or sexual problems that are not getting any better.
  • New circumstances have made me more aware of past experiences.

Challenges for Survivors

Intimate Relationships and Personal Boundaries

Trust is a crucial issue for many survivors throughout their lives because it was broken as such a young age by the very people who were supposed to care the most for them. Because survivors of childhood sexual abuse may have had to keep the abuse a secret in order to protect the family, as a result, many survivors may feel they have to put the needs of others above their own. Because their personal boundaries were invaded when they were young, adult survivors may have trouble understanding that they have the right to control what happens to them.

Anger

Some adult survivors report problems with anger. It may be anger against a particular person, fate, or a higher power. They may even feel angry with themselves for not being able to stop the abuse, angry with the abuser, or angry with parents or care givers for not protecting them. These emotions need to be acknowledged and validated.

Grieving/Mourning

Being abused as a child means the loss of many things- childhood experiences, trust, innocence, normal relationships with family members (especially if the abuser was a family member). Survivors must be allowed to name those losses and grieve them.

Fear, anxiety, and being ‘always on guard’ and the Art ofRemembering

Fear and anxiety are normal responses to trauma. Some survivors have experienced traumatic amnesia or delayed recall of memories of child sexual abuse. Traumatic amnesia is a particular response of the brain that prevents a child from having any conscious recall of the abuse. It is associated with extreme emotional trauma. Memory loss has a reason: we may have been so young when abused that we were unable to form thoughts or put our feelings into words. Memories can’t be forced; they will come back when the brain is ready to handle them.

Experiencing ‘triggers’

If you were sexually abused in childhood there may be things that bring back or ‘trigger’ memories. These include not only obvious things like childbirth, Pap smears or the way your partner touches you sexually, but also everyday things such as colors, kinds of furniture or vehicles, sounds, or smells, which bring back memories or feelings associated with the abuse. These experiences can trigger a flashback, which is a re-experiencing of the abuse as if it were occurring at that moment. It is usually accompanied by visual images, or flashes of images, of the abuse. This is one of the ways of remembering the abuse.

Coping

Physical

  • Counseling. This could mean seeing a psychologist, social worker, or therapist, or speaking to someone on a crisis line or at a women’s center.
  • Keeping a journal. Some survivors find that recording thoughts and feelings in a journal or diary helps them manage their emotions.
  • Connecting with others. Nurture relationships with people who make you feel good about yourself and make it a priority to spend time with friends and family.

Reclaiming Your Sexual Self after Abuse

Healing begins at different stages for different people. Sexual abuse influences a survivor’s ability to establish and maintain healthy sexual relationships. Sexual concerns often emerge naturally after survivors have resolved feelings of anger and fear about the abuse, and begun to feel better about themselves. For many therapists and survivors, addressing sexual issues is seen as a final stage in sexual abuse recovery, but sexual concerns come up at all points in sexual abuse recovery.

Sexual abuse can disrupt many facets of our sexuality, including:

  • How we feel about our gender
  • How we feel about our bodies, sex organs, and bodily functions
  • How we think about sex
  • How we express ourselves sexually
  • How we experience physical pleasure and intimacy with others

It takes time and effort to develop a positive sexual self-concept. Not only do we have to watch for the false conclusions and negative beliefs about ourselves that resulted from the abuse, we also need to replace old ways of thinking with new, healthy ones.Begin your journey only when you feel ready for it. Go slowly and trust yourself. Sexual healing is usually never as fast as survivors and intimate partners would wish. Sexual healing is a profound personal growth work. During the process you will probably look closely at who you are, how you feel, what has happened to you in the past, and how you now take care of yourself and relate to others.

Childhood Sexual Assault.

The Wounded Heart- Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Allender, Dan B. (1990).

Why Me? Help for Victims of Sexual Abuse (Even if They Are Adults Now). Daugherty, Lynn B. (1984).

The Courage to Heal Workbook- For Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. Davis, Laura (1990).

Victims No Longer- Men Recovering From Incest and Other Child Sexual Abuse. Lew, Mike (1988).

Legacy of the Heart- The Spiritual Advantage of a Painful Childhood. Muller, Wayne (1992).

On the Path- Affirmations for Adults Recovering from Childhood Sexual Abuse. W. Nancy (1991).

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse. Wendy Maltz (1991/2001)

The Courage to Heal. Ellen Bass & Laura Davis (1988).

Adults Molested as Children: A Survivor’s Manual for Women and Men, Euan Bear & Peter T. Dimock (1988).

Dear Father

I’ve been trying to get this out now for quite some time and it still won’t come out right. So there’s this little girl inside me, lonely, broken, abused and lost. I’ve tried to press restart several times but you truly just can’t restart mental and emotional pain. You can only deal with it, plunge yourself into it and then find some way to heal. So here’s a letter to the first man that shattered my world.

Dear Father,

It’s almost queer how I’ve never stared you straight in the face but I’ve observed a few behaviors. Now I can’t judge you because maybe you went through things as a child but I’m only here to share my pain. The first person I learnt inconsistency from was you. You’d come around, maybe for a week or two, call for a few days and then disappear. Then a month later or even six months later, you’d come back, you’d say you were busy but do you consider choosing other women over your daughter busy? It’s funny right because you hadn’t been there from day one, at birth, you weren’t even there to sign those papers. And I can’t seemingly forget the times I had to beg you to spend time with me, “Daddy, let’s go get ice cream one Sunday,” and you’d agree. Sunday would come, I’d pick out my best outfit and I’d sit outside waiting and mommy watched me waiting and I would hear her calling you. Those Sundays you never came. It’s even sad that at 21 years old, I’m writing this crying still, over the absence and loss of my much needed childhood father figure. I watched you loving other women and their daughters, they could drive in your car, I couldn’t, my mom couldn’t. And you were filled with women, my gosh. They would laugh at mommy and you guys were together. But you never cared. Driven by ego and lust. Didn’t your mother show you love at any point in time? Was your father not present? I can recall hearing mommy beg you to pay my school fees and you never thought I was good enough so you never did.

They say a father leads as example for the guys her daughter date and well, I’d have to criticize that some other time but maybe it’s true. Why should I need to ask a father to love me when that’s his job in the first place? You spent your time working and after that, it was from one woman to the next. I remember how instead of coming to my graduation, you had the nerve to drive pass with one of your women in the car and that was somehow okay for you? To treat me like a second class citizen? And for every new woman that entered your life, I’d have to take the back burner and I watched you pour whatever you called was love into them. I stood my ground, held my composure but you always needed to push my buttons when a new woman came around. I had to fight for a spot, fight for attention so after a while I stopped, I just grew bitter. I hated you and all the men around yet I was somehow dating guys that were just as inconsistent, that didn’t know how to love me. I never even knew how to love my self because a piece of me was missing. You were missing. That absence of love and warmth. Yet I just grew bitter. Infuriated. I remember not long ago, you said I was fat and ugly and from that day forward, I never felt beautiful. This is even harder to type because how could a father do this and say these things to his own child?

I remember last year I got a full on cursing because your girlfriend said I was rude to her and even though we all knew she was lying, you took it upon yourself to tell me that she was the woman in your life and if I couldn’t handle that then… Well then what? You were going to kick me out because of her? But you did so then hey… Then after meeting a new woman, you started finding faults with the old one and dumped her but the issue became the same. And how dare you ask me to bring you and this woman breakfast in bed? I find these things unfathomable. Mentally, I am tired now.

Lately you’ve been on the phone every night telling her just how awful I am. But how? Because I refuse to be disrespected? You have come home every night and started fights with me so much so that I’ve internalized all this pain and everytime someone does something to me that reminds me of you, I become an explosive bomb. And you know I was trying to heal from this. I had met and dated a guy just like you and I was treated like that same second class citizen, all these women before me. All the lies. All the abuse. All the hurt and pain. But see you don’t understand and I pray someone understands how tiring it’s become to have to look at you or hear you. I’ve grown sick and tired of hearing that I caused all your problems. I’m through with hearing that I’m not good enough. This life is driving me over the edge and I’m close to exploding again because you nonchalantly say the things that hurt. You are the most inconsistent and weak minded person I’ve met. You jump from women to women but where was my love? Now you sit there and plan a wedding when your own children are struggling. Where’s the love? Why do I need to ask for it or ask you to pick me? When do I become important to you? When will your women take the back burner?

All these questions but now, I’m just tired and angry. Heart bleeding. Soul aching. Heart racing. Thoughts fading. Mentally Drained. Trust tainted. Internally exploding.

This isn’t love. This is mental torture.